Wizard: That will be ten thousand dollars.
Bob: Ten thousand! But we haven’t even had a session yet!
Wizard: I’m afraid there are no exceptions to my policy. I find that patients are not motivated to learn from my sessions unless there is money on the line. They have to have some skin in the game. I used to do things differently, but I had some bad experiences and now this is the way I operate.
Bob: Okay, but ten thousand is a lot of money. How do I know that our sessions will be useful?
Wizard: Don’t worry, I offer a money back guarantee. If you have good reason to be dissatisfied with my services, all of your money will be refunded.
Bob: What counts as a “good” reason?
Wizard: If my advice is so useless that you choose not to take it, then you may have your money back.
Bob: All I have to do to get the money back is … not take your advice?
Wizard: Yes. But I would highly recommend taking it. It will be very useful advice.
Bob: Okay. I have heard that you are very good, and I have some extremely important concerns that no other wizard has been able to help me with.
Wizard: I do enjoy that reputation. Now, please write me a check and then sign this contract.
Bob: All right, here you go.
Wizard: So tell me what you would like to talk about.
Bob: It’s about my marriage.
Wizard: Of course; I am primarily a marriage wizard — that is my specialty.
Bob: I want to emphasize that I am not like your other clients.
Wizard: Aren’t you? In what way are you different?
Bob: I am generally more enlightened than most people. I am not caught up in selfish, material things. So I’m guessing that my concern is not any of the common concerns you encounter.
Wizard: What do you think are the common concerns?
Bob: I’ve heard that the most common concern in a marriage is financial issues. I’m not worried about that.
Wizard: Most of my clients are not concerned about financial issues.
Bob: … really? Well, I’m not concerned about sex.
Wizard: Most of my clients aren’t.
Bob: Dominance?
Wizard: Nope.
Bob: Or a fair distribution of household chores.
Wizard: If only they were more concerned about that. Why don’t you tell me what you are concerned about?
Bob: What I want is something pure and refined, something that ordinary people would not understand. I’ve been to many marriage wizards, and none of them really understood me.
Wizard: Tell me what it is?
Bob: I want spiritual fulfillment.
Wizard: Ding ding ding ding ding! That’s right, that’s what most of my clients want. So you’re fairly typical.
Bob: [disappointed]: I’m pretty sure that most people have selfish, material motivations. I am different.
Wizard: May I ask what kind of spiritual fulfillment you want?
Bob: I’m sorry?
Wizard: Can you describe the spirituality you want?
Bob: I guess … I want my relationship to lead to personal growth and enlightenment. I want my spouse and I to build on one another’s emotional and spiritual strengths in order to transcend material concerns and become all that we can be.
Wizard: Ah, so you want level one spiritual fulfillment.
Bob: There are levels of spiritual fulfillment? And I’m at level one?
Wizard: Weeeell I wouldn’t say you’re at level one. You aspire to level one. And that’s not a small thing; ambition is important.
Bob: How can it be that I’m not even at level one? I’ve been experiencing an ongoing spiritual quest for the past four years.
Wizard: Then you have clearly been associating with the wrong wizards. I will be able to catapult you to level two in just the first few weeks — assuming you pay close attention and follow my advice.
Bob: What level are you, may I ask?
Wizard: It’s not something we should talk about.
Bob: If you’re going to make these big claims about spiritual things, you have to back up your words.
Wizard: I’m at level infinity.
Bob: Level infinity!
Wizard: I told you we shouldn’t talk about it.
Bob: What kind of egotistical nonsense is this?
Wizard: It’s not egotistical if it’s true. I’m sorry if I made a misstep in our conversation.
Bob: Okay, it’s okay. Moving on …
Wizard: What have your previous wizards told you? It’s very important that I know exactly what you have heard in the past.
Bob: My first wizard said I should memorize some love songs and serenade Alice. This was supposed to improve our marriage. She said it was very important that I pick love songs that are scientifically proven to be effective.
Wizard: Are there love songs that have been proven effective?
Bob: Oh yes. My first wizard said there’s a whole academic literature about it.
Wizard: How … do they test that the marriage is improved?
Bob: They do it with statistics.
Wizard: Huh. What did they find?
Bob: The most effective thing is humor, actually.
Wizard: Humor is good. What kind of humorous love songs do you like?
Bob: I don’t like them, but I have to memorize them because they are effective. Weird Al has some highly rated ones, like:
[solemnly] “You make me wanna write a dozen book reports / Then pack myself in styrofoam. / Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles.”
That line is particularly funny, I am told.
Wizard: Okay, well, you tried this, and what happened?
Bob: It didn’t work. I still felt unfulfilled.
Wizard: So you came to me.
Bob: No, I came to my second wizard. My second wizard said that it all comes down to Maslow’s hierarchy. That means that people are motivated by practical needs: food, water, shelter, and so forth. Beyond that — security, belonging, and esteem. People like me, who value transcendent things, are at the top of the hierarchy, but we are very rare.
Wizard: How do you use Maslow’s hierarchy to improve your marriage?
Bob: Well you have to provide more food, water, and shelter to your spouse. It seemed like water was the easiest one, so I made Alice drink more water. I started by surreptitiously pouring extra water in her glass at dinner. She didn’t notice, and she drank it. It wasn’t enough though. To get beyond that, I had to get her on board with it. So I told her that research shows you have to drink twelve glasses of water every day.
Wizard: Did she believe you?
Bob: No. So then I told her that I was going to drink twelve glasses every day, for my health, and I needed her support, so she would have to do it with me. And she agreed to it! We had a “one month challenge.”
Wizard: What Maslow need is that?
Bob: I’m sorry?
Wizard: What Maslow need motivated Alice to agree to help you?
Bob: Water. She needed the water. Unconsciously.
Wizard: Okay, and did it work?
Bob: No. I was still unfulfilled.
Wizard: So you came to me.
Bob: Yes. So I’m ready to hear your advice.
Wizard: Well you’ve come to the right place. I know exactly what you should do. If you follow my advice, you will surely find the spiritual satisfaction you seek. Your marriage will improve, and you will be better able to meet Alice’s Maslow needs. You will even have a better sense of humor.
Bob [eagerly]: What is your advice?
Wizard: Well first of all, do you feel like you got anything out of your first two wizards?
Bob: No, nothing.
Wizard: Nothing whatsoever?
Bob: Nothing whatsoever.
Wizard: See, you are right about that, but your problem is that after each wizard, you think that their theory of everything, what I call their “embedding,” is wrong, but that the next wizard has the secret to everything. Then you are dissatisfied that that wizard, too, doesn’t have the secret. And so on.
Bob: Yes, yes, all of this is true.
Wizard: So you have come to me, and you think I have the secret.
Bob: Don’t you?
Wizard: No! Of course I don’t have the secret. Your marriage is something you have to work out between you and Alice. That’s what I call “responsivity.”
Bob: How should I do that?
Wizard: I have no idea! But I do have one important piece of advice.
Bob: What’s that?
Wizard Don’t come to me for advice! I have nothing to offer. Except for this advice.
Bob: Except for what advice?
Wizard: The advice that you shouldn’t come to me.
Bob: I already came to you! Are you offering to refund my money?
Wizard: No, no, I would only refund your money if I had no advice. But I do have advice.
Bob: Which is?
Wizard: Don’t come to me a second time.
Bob: How will that help me satisfy Alice’s Maslow needs and give me a sense of humor?
Wizard: Well it will give you a sense of humor because you’ll be able to laugh at yourself. You’re taking everything so seriously. But once you see how ridiculous it was to visit me, you’ll be overcome with joyful mirth.
Bob: I see, and the Maslow needs?
Wizard: You’ll save the money that you would have paid on the second session. That’s a lot of money that could be used to buy food, water, and shelter.
Bob: Wait, was the $10,000 only for the first session?
Wizard: Yes, of course. Didn’t you read the contract? I am a highly sought after level infinity wizard. My clients include some of the world’s wealthiest billionaires. My services ain’t cheap.
Bob: That’s absurd! Outrageous! I have no words to express my indignation! I demand my money back!
Wizard: I would be happy to refund your money, as long as you meet the criterion.
Bob: What criterion?
Wizard: You have to not take my advice.
Bob: You gave me no advice!
Wizard: Not true, I advised you not to come to me a second time.
Bob: So in order to not follow your advice, I have to …
Wizard: Come to a second session.
Bob: How much is the second session?
Wizard: $12,000.
Bob: There’s no way I’m coming to a second session with you! You’re a monster! I’ve had it! I’m leaving immediately!
Wizard: See how efficient my instruction is! You are already committed to our treatment plan. Truly, I deserve my reputation as the world’s greatest and most enlightened marriage wizard. Thank you for coming, Bye now.
